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James: The Harper Derangement Syndrome

I am not a psychiatrist, nor have I acquired a degree in sociology, or any of the other -isms and and -logys which specialize in analyzing the state of man as if he was a stick bug on a pin. However, one does not need to be an expert in order to know there is an affliction that is spreading quickly throughout our land.

It has the capability to be contagious, but only to those who have not built up a strong immune system. This same system can be severely weakened by exceeding CBC viewing past the prescribed dosage of three hours every Saturday night.

The affliction, which appears to have infected a good portion of the population, is a specific variant of  a disorder known as “Derangement Syndrome”. The last time such a syndrome was diagnosed in a large portion of any population was in 2006, when Dr. Charles Krauthammer cited cases of “Bush Derangement Syndrome”. Krauthammer defined “BDS” as “the acute onset of paranoia in otherwise normal people in reaction to the policies, the presidency — nay — the very existence of George W. Bush.”

The Canadian manifestation of this phenomena is “Harper derangement syndrome”, or “HDS” for short. The description is as follows: “the inclination by otherwise smart and well-informed people, to excessively and irrationally criticize Stephen Harper, and to obsessively oppose any policies he supports.”

Of course, like any other infliction, there are certain signs and symptoms one can look for. If one of your friends or family members have started to repeatedly use the word “control-freak”, or “dictator” when referring to the current Prime Minister, these could be the first signs that something is amiss. Amongst the more refined, who shun such proletariat epithets, are those who instead opt for the terms “shame” and “contempt”. It is not uncommon for them to be weeping and/or shaking while shouting these words (sometimes in public). This sometimes manifests itself in the form of angry posts in the comments section of news stories on various websites.

Those who are showing these signs publicly often do not disclose their identity, and opt to only show their screen names, eg. “CON CON KLAN” and “NE1BUTSTEVIE”. This has made it hard to identify those who have come down with HDS.

The disease is known to spread to the intellectual elite first, and then travel to those whom, as mentioned before, do not have the ability to fight off, or reject such a vicious strain. Youth seem to be increasingly susceptible, which could be due to years of indoctrination in the classroom from radical teachers. However, it has been found that those who dedicate their younger years to playing sports, or working part time jobs, are less likely to have such weak immune systems.

Experts have not yet pinpointed the breeding grounds for the disease, since many of these “experts” have themselves been inflicted, and cannot conduct studies from their quarantine sites.

Doctors are urging anybody who has attended large protests, such as “Israel Apartheid Week” to get a checkup immediately. A medical doctor, who wishes to remain anonymous, says of the disease “This is not something you want to go through. Not only will it have negative impact on your life, it will also put enormous strain on your family.” The doctor went on to emphasize the importance of keeping the number of cases to a minimum.

When doctors were asked about the origin of the disease, they could not identify any direct links, but they have said that they believe this particular strain of contagious HDS started in the Toronto Star writers’ offices, where disturbing diary entries and column rough drafts were found with schizophrenic like diatribes about Harper and the prospects of a majority.

I myself have encountered many instances of the disease, going as far back as three years ago, from high school teachers who insisted that students call Stephen Harper to demand action on the environment, to friends who would launch into Facebook tirades about the Prime Minister. It would seem that HDS has been in existence for many years, but an increase in cases have been found during election time.

There is not yet a known cure to HDS, but there are many people who are working day and night to minimize the spread of the disease as much as possible. It is advised that those who believe they may be susceptible to HDS to watch one hour of SUN TV once a day, every day, to decrease your risk. You can also give what you can to the Conservative Party of Canada, and you just may be able to save one more person.

The time to act is now, help stamp out Harper Derangement Syndrome once and for all, before it’s too late.