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Hosni Mubarak vs. KFC

With millions of protesters taking to the streets of Egypt, denial is more than a river where President Hosni Mubarak lives. The 82-year old dictator, who’s ruled the land of the pyramids for the last three decades, has been reluctant to give up his throne. And why shouldn’t he have been? He’s oppressed his people so well for so long, it’s not like the international community is going to say anything now. Even Obama is telling the anti-government movement to calm down and show restraint.

But what are the demonstrators saying to their despised ruler?

“Will you please go? I’ve to go home and take a bath!”

“I got married 20 days ago, I want to see my wife already!”

“My hands are tired of holding this freaking banner!”

Oh my golly gosh darn it, says the bewildered PC do-gooder. How could Patrick Levy make such tasteless and offensive jokes about the Egyptian Revolution? Does he not know the facts? Does he not know the tyranny of Mubarak? For God’s sake, Anderson Cooper was hurt during the rioting. Does he not have a soul?!

Before all you hippies go on a hunger strike, dress up in moronic costumes and scream “Death to the Prince Arthur Herald”, take a deep breath (perhaps even a haul of your joint) and wipe the tears from your pretty little eyes. These were real slogans from protesters’ picket signs in Cairo’s Tahrir Square.

My favourite placard reads as follows:

Egyptians: “Mr. President, we have come to bid you farewell.”

Mubarak: “Why, where are you going?”

It shouldn’t be surprising, however, that the Egyptian people have an astute appreciation for political humour. The oldest joke recorded in history is a 4,600 year old papyrus scroll making fun of the Pharaoh.

But the most hilarious part of this revolutionary comedy is the blame game of who started all this commotion.

The Muslim Brotherhood (the radical Islamist group that forms the major opposition to the government) has blamed the revolt on the Jews next door. Over the years, Muslim extremists have held Israel responsible for 9/11, the 2004 Tsunami and Godzilla. As a result, it comes as no surprise that Israel would conspire against one of the only Arab countries to recognize its right to exist.

The Mubarak regime, however, has refuted this ridiculous claim. Instead, it has pointed the finger of guilt at the most diabolic of all secret agencies: KFC, as in Kentucky Fried Chicken. To understand how KFC got implicated in the Egyptian uprising requires the mindset of the most radical leftist conspiracy theorist. According to the state-owned media, many of the protesters in Tahrir Square were spotted eating buckets of original recipe, commonly known as “Kentucky meals”. It only makes sense, therefore, that the evil Americans and their crony fast food chains are financing the revolution. Pro-Mubarak crowds are now chanting “Death to KFC” and vandalizing its various locations.

In the midst of the chaos, the KFC in Tahrir Square has actually had to close down and a medical clinic has been opened in its place. Imagine that. People are actually going to KFC to improve their health. But slow down there buddy, this doesn’t mean that you can gobble up Double Down Chicken Sandwiches and not clog up Medicare with self-inflicted heart disease.

This isn’t the first time Colonel Sanders’ greasy hands have been caught pulling the strings of world politics. In 2006, protesters in Pakistan burned down a KFC in response to the outrage over the Danish cartoon of the Prophet Muhammad. The reason? It turns out that radical Islamists and radical leftists share the same definition of “bigot”: anyone who offends them.

The KFC was seen as offensive symbol of the West and the enraged Pakistani mob took out their anger on the defenseless restaurant. After all, it was clear that the Colonel supported the sacrilegious cartoon. Why else would he have been smiling?

Egyptians don’t hate Americans though, right? They receive billions in government aid from Uncle Sam every year. A Pew Survey from last summer, however, raises significant objection: 82% of Egyptians see the United States negatively. But hey, at least 59% are in favour of democracy and we didn’t even have to accuse them of having WMDs. Nevertheless, the thought of an Egyptian democracy may be scarier than you think.

The Pew survey went on to reveal:

Of the 31% who see a struggle between Islamic fundamentalism and modernity,

59% of the population identify as Islamic fundamentalists (only 27% identify as modernizers).

Of the whole country,

54% believe that suicide bombings are justified.

84% are in favour of the death penalty for those who leave the religion of Islam.

82% support stoning for women who commit adultery.

Don’t get me wrong. Mubarak is one of the most devious people on Earth. In a country where the average person lives off of $2 a day, Mubarak is under pressure for looting $70 billion, proving Puff Daddy’s theory of “mo money, mo problems.”

With so much stolen wealth, he could live for another 95 million years as a common Egyptian, give each of the 80 million people in Egypt $875 or he could pay off the country’s total external debt and still have $40 billion to spare.

He’s a vile, despicable human being. But when given the choice between an authoritarian dictatorship and a fundamentalist Islamist democracy, I choose KFC.