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How to treat a lady

Hello Prince Arthur Heralders, I’m H, and I’m just back from da club. Yeah, that’s right, da club. That’s where I hang out, and that’s where you hang out on all Thursdays, Fridays, Saturdays and Mondays. While we students do seem to spend a lot of our recreational time gyrating to Rihanna, I’ve come to realize that clubbing has a pretty seedy underbelly. I’m not just referencing the venues (cough Korova) but also the situations one can get into. It seems as though every night I go out, at least one female member of my group gets harassed. It may be my Bambi-like innocence talking, but I just can’t conceive that there really are as many creeps sleuthing around as there are creepy situations which occur. Maybe that perceived weirdo is just your average, friendly, slightly drunk university dude looking to chat up a lady on his well-deserved night out. Maybe the guys who my girlfriends scamper away from are just trying to be nice and meet chicks. Maybe they’re just going about it all the wrong way.Well, this here is the Internet and I’m a hackneyed pseudo-advice columnist, which I feel gives me full licence to offer some guidance to the club-hopping men of this city. Hold on to your breeches, as HH tackles how to pick up chicks at clubs.1. No Disembodied Arms. You know what’s creepy? When you’re a girl just dancing away, a little out of it, and then suddenly there are arms around you. “Whose arms are these!?” You slur, but you have no way of knowing, they’re grabbing you from behind, they’re all clammy, and they seem to be connected to some weird moving force which is totally offsetting your groove! Do you know how hard it is to get a good groove going? Most plebs… Read More

Haute Herald does Blogs

Hello and welcome to the third edition of Haute Herald, where We Always Seem To End (up). See what I just did there? I made an acronym! It spells out “W.A.S.T.E,” as in wasting time, as in what you’re doing right now! Don’t sweat it though, I don’t judge, just remember: you may be reading the culture section, but I’m writing the damn thing! Presumably, both of us have important things we probably should be doing right now, but we’d much rather be messing around on the internet, a pastime which, coincidentally, is my topic of today. So let’s hop right to it, shall we? Prepare yourself for H’s favourite blogs to waste time on:1. This is Glamorous ( This is Glam is a delightful jumble of fashion and decor discerningly curated by author Roséline. While R’s ridiculously chic aesthetics are the glittery, champagne-hued point of this blog, it is her distinctive blurbs that really reel you in. Her sugar-spun bon mots are just pointed enough to remind you that she is a fairytale princess and your life will never be as devastatingly chic as hers is. I mean come on, when you read snippets like: “Yesterday was… positivity filled with beautiful surprises — cake and cookies and the kindness of strangers, and moments of pure brightness perfect for January skies…” while glancing out your window at the pukey Montreal clouds dandruffing away, how can you not be seized by the urge to live vicariously through Roséline?2. Smitten Kitchen ( When it comes to food blogs, Smitten reigns supreme, providing not only reliable recipes, but luscious pictures and witty banter from author Deb, who self describes as being a lover of “bourbon, artichokes, things that taste like burnt sugar and baked goods with funny names.”Sister, who isn’t a fan of… Read More

HH & Keeping Fit

Hello hello! I know, dearhearts, I’ve been gone, I’ve been gone a while, but alas, your H is back, more midtermed than ever, more Fashion Week’ed than ever, and more having seen Ottawa than ever! Suffice it to say it’s been a hell of a week, but now that I’ve solved all of my own problems I’m ready to start in on yours.Happily, my inbox was flooded when I got home last night, FLOODED WITH ALMOST EMPTY. Not to sound desperate or anything, but I’m started to think I need to offer up ultimatums here, like for everyone who doesn’t do their part here in the culture section, I eat a live kitten. And I both love and am allergic to kittens, so that would really suck. I mean, what do you guys want from me? Nude pics? BECAUSE I ALREADY ASKED MY EDITOR ABOUT THAT AND HE SAID NO. Anyway, now that all that capslock is out of my system, I feel better, I mean, maybe ya’ll just need to hear how good my advice is before you start pouring it on me.Without further ado, here is a question I’ve left stagnating in my inbox (sorry bout that, heh heh…)Dear H,After reading your restaurant article, I feel like we both have an appreciation for food. While I try to be reasonably healthy, University (second year!) makes it hard. I never feel like grocery shopping, spend too much on take-out, probably drink too much, and keep catching myself in huge guilt trips after scarfing bags of sour gummy worms and carby pad-thai. Plus, I’m obviously studying my butt off, so I’m way to stressed to overhaul my whole life, which I feel like I have to do unless I want to be a whale by graduation. What do I do?Sincerely,Freshman… Read More

HH Offers A Warm Welcome

Hello and welcome to Haute Herald, (basically) your one stop for food, fashion, advice, and all that other (fl/st)uff you probably wouldn’t expect from a super serious moderately conservative paper! But life is full of surprises, one of which being that not all politically-minded student journalists are stuffy. In fact, some of us are quite sexy!* I’m H, and I’d like you all to think of me as your Hostess in this column, meaning that I’m eager to provide you with anything you think would make your visit to the Herald a little more fun. At Haute Herald, you can expect delicious recipes and restaurant reviews, fashion commentary and inspiration, and answers to whatever may be bothering your pretty little head. Got an issue? Need advice? I’m full of unbiased honesty and complete anonymity, so feel free to send me a message and I’ll go to any length to help you out.Anyway, as a hostess welcoming you all to the party-that-is-my-column, I feel that it’s appropriate to offer you all a drink.  I’m guessing that as students, you all imbibe an equally gargantuan ratio of coffee and of alcohol, but combining the two seems to happen less frequently. I mean, Khalua from the SAQ is kinda like Blue Curacao in that, no matter how tasty it is, you feel a little silly buying it, and that Starbucks-brand coffee liquor they sell just tastes like no. However, this little cocktail here is not only a super freakin’ delicious way to get your perky drink on, but can be made entirely with stuff I bet you have in your kitchen already. At least, I had it all in mine…For H’s ridiculously awesome/easy homemade Khalua you’ll need:Two cups water1.5 TBS instant coffee granules1 ¼ cups sugar.5 TBS vanilla extract1 ¼ cups Vodka, baby.Step… Read More

The Art of Food, Dating, and Pick-Up Lines

Guys do a lot of silly things to impress girls. I was out the other night and this one guy came up to me and just matter-of-factly said “Hi, do you like tall guys? Because I’m 6’6.” What I thought was “Umm, cool, I come up to your nipple?” and what I said was “I think funny guys are better.” He then assured me that in his native tongue (Surprise! He’s French!) he has a deft sense of humour. Right, bud… I admit, however, flirting is hard, especially for guys not versed in the grease-slicked art of pick-up lines. So what can your sweet, maybe a little awkward, average-height guy do to win a girl’s heart? Feed her. Or earn in the six-digits.Montreal has some amazing restaurants, but not all of them I would recommend as date worthy. I do have some top picks, however, and since I am particularly hard to impress on dates I can confidently say that any girl lucky enough to be taken to one of these establishments will not leave disappointed. Don’t get me wrong though, I am not gunning you toward the most black tie, expensive restaurants in the city (the worst date I have ever had was at one of them!) but a few places with great ambiance, reasonable value, and awesome food – places which will make you look good at breakfast, lunch, or dinner.Breakfast: Does anyone remember that old Trojan Condom radio ad? First you hear a girl’s voice, rather stiffly saying “Well, thanks for dinner.” Next, you hear a girl sensually crooning “Mmm… Thanks for breakfast.” Anyone can do a dinner date, but breakfast is a goldmine (even if you don’t wake up with her before you guys go). L’Avenue (922 Avenue du Mont-Royal Est) is the perfect place to… Read More