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Alexander Brown

NDP strategy meeting: A satire

Location: NDP HeadquartersTime of Day: 0900 Hours NDP Staffer 1: Have you guys seen this? How are we somehow tied up with the Conservatives in the polls?NDP Staffer 2: Wow. I mean, we haven’t even done anything, but we’ll take it! NDP Staffer 3: I guess those new Mulcair ads worked. They were very innovative. First, we put him in front of the camera. Then we turned it on. Then he spouted off some meaningless rhetoric that had some anti-capitalist subtext! NDP Staffer 1: Tommy Douglas would be so proud. NDP Staffer 2: We really need to capitalize on this surge though, guys. NDP Staffer 3: Wait… did you say guys? NDP Staffer 2: Oh my.  I’m so sorry coworker number three. I meant we really need to capitalize on this surge though, fellow persons of the world. NDP Staffer 3: Phew, that’s better staff member number two. There’s a reason we don’t use sex or names anymore during official closed-door meetings. NDP Staffer 1: Why’s that again? NDP Staffer 3: They’re offensive to the nameless and the sexless. NDP Staffer 1: Right, my mistake. But number two is right; we do need to take advantage of this baffling surge in the polls. Why don’t be bring in Chairman Mulc—err I mean our leader, Thomas Mulcair? NDP Staffer 2: Great idea! (“He” buzzes his assistant to bring in Mulcair) Mulcair Enters. Mulcair: I was busy practicing my Peter Mansbridge-like all-knowing glare, this better be good. NDP Staffer 1: Oh it is, glorious leader. We just wanted to take the time to go over any potential political skeletons you might have in the closet, now that we are becoming so popular. You know, just so we’re ready in case the Conservative party counter attacks. Mulcair: Oh, gee, well this could be a long meeting. I’ve had some pretty big snafus. NDP Staffer 2: Try us. Mulcair: Ok, well… Read More